I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
