is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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