Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
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