my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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