He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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