I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
