Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
