i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
