i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
