Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
