I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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