I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
