I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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