Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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