I showed him my bush... on skype.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
