Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
