If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
