Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This toilet bowl is my home.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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