Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
