I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
