Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We need to get me chipped asap
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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