his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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