Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
