My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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