I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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