im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
