That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
