Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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