hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
