Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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