so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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