i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I AM VODKA MAN
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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