first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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