Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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