im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
