"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
