Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
