I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Randomize