wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
