No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
