if you like me you must not know who I am
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
