a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
