i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
