I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
