I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
