3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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