Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
