mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
