If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
