we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
