does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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