20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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