I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
