I hate all girls vehemently.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
