this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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