I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
