Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
