hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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