This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
