I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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