In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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